Lille, November 18th 2011.

Before I start writing (or let’s say: before you’ll start reading) my Lille-report, I have to give you three warnings:
1. It’s a REALLY long story.
2. If you have never been to a Mars show before and want to be surprised at an upcoming show you’ll attend; do not read this.
And 3. I may have some opinions about this band you might not agree with. I AM open for discussion, but I am not going to answer any anonymous hate because of what I write down.

The night of November 17^th on 18^th was one of the worst I’ve had in months. My friend was staying at my place so we could leave early and since I’ve only got one bed, I let her sleep in my bed and I slept on this kind of camp-bed. Which was fine at first; but after a few hours I got extremely cold. I’ve been shivering half of the night and I was super afraid I would feel sick all day long.
The alarm was set for 6AM. We were planning on leaving at 7:30AM and we did not want to rush too much, so we just started dressing up. I did not put all my clothes on already - I had taken a lot of warm clothes with me and since we had to drive for 2,5 hours before we would arrive, it would be way too hot to wear in the car.
We had soup for breakfast. Just because that was warm –I was still extremely cold!- and I would at least have eaten SOMETHING. I was afraid I would be too nervous to eat properly, I’ve experienced that at a lot of gigs and I know I easily faint when I do not eat enough.

We started taking all our stuff to the car. We had fleece blankets, sleeping bags, pillows to sit on, this golden foil which is meant to keep you warm (it’s in a lot of first aid kits), a thermos with hot water, some awkward heat pads that apparently get very hot when you knead them… And we dressed up with thermo leggings and ski socks. Since I’ve been waiting outside in the winter for a lot of gigs, I just wanted to be prepared for the worst. Two days before I had been lining up for ONE hour for a concert and I was extremely cold, so I expected this day to be like hell.

It was 7:15AM when we were actually finished with everything and we just decided to go. It was still dark outside – but not actually cold!
Somehow, we managed to get lost just 1KM (that’s like half a mile) away from my house. I have not been living in this city for very long, have hardly ever driven there by car, so well – I do not actually know my way around. We did not know the traffic diversion we found there would just be the first one of MANY. It took us quite a while to get on the highway. And then it was just: music on, world off and DRIVE!
Since there’s a lot of people on the road between 7 and 10AM, we got stuck in a lot of traffic jams. It was really annoying – at some point we had heard all three Mars albums from beginning till the end and I realized we should have been there already. The first planned time of arrival on my GPS was 9:50AM.

Last traffic jam was 1km from the venue. The venue was kind of in the centre of Lille so it was not very nice driving there with so many cars around – I hate driving in the city.
We finally found the venue but it took us another HOUR to finally find a place to park the car! All parking lots were full already and I was so afraid there would be thousands of people lined up already… The parking lot we found did not seem to be that far from the venue. It was quite expensive though, but we were glad we had found a place to park.
It seemed not to be very cold, so we decided to leave most of our stuff in the car. Then it was time to go find the venue…

We’ve been running around for another hour before we FINALLY found the Grand Palais back. We were completely lost in Lille and somewhere at a train station I pushed this info button because I thought it would help us find our way – but apparently I called someone. I just walked away pretending I had no clue what I just did. There was a webcam on it, actually. Ah well. I hope they could see I was just an ignorant foreigner.
It was 12:30PM when we arrived – 2,5 hours later than we actually planned to.
There was about 100 or 150 people there already. I had been at this venue before and I knew the lines here would suck. There were about six “doors” – but no real lines. No barriers to keep us in a line, just this big area where everyone just sat down. Which meant that people could just join up anywhere, instead of sitting down behind the last ones. Was not too happy about it, but well. We decided to play it fair and just sit down behind the last ones that arrived.

The hours actually flew by. Most people around me were French (though I heard a few German fans) and sadly enough I did not talk to anyone… But there was this very friendly atmosphere. There have been gigs where I’ve heard people whispering things about “Allemagne” (Germany – a lot of French people think we are German when they hear Dutch) which were not very welcoming. But these people seemed to be very nice. It was a very open environment… I loved that.
What I had not expected, was that it was very warm outside! The sun was shining and I even took my coat off – and that on November 18^th, when it’s usually freezing already! We did not need any of the stuff we took with us so it was a good decision to leave everything in the car.

After a few hours I saw this girl standing on the other side of the “crowd” and I thought she looked a lot like Cassie – who I “knew” from Tumblr. I just was not sure so I decided to check her blog to see if she was here. And yes – she was! I was super excited to see her somehow, but I knew she probably did not know who I was since we never talked before (I think) so it would be a bit awkward. So I did not actually go say “hi”.
A lot of people were making war paint on their faces. I loved that and told my friend that I had forgotten to buy face paint the day before, because I wanted white war paint! I felt like just asking some girls if they could paint my face, too, but well. I did not.

We were discussing what to do with out coats. I knew how horrible it is to have your coat with you in a hall, mine could not even been tied around my waist so I did not know where I should put it. We decided that I would walk back to the parking lot to put our coats away.
I found out the parking lot was actually just 800m (half a mile) from the venue… We had just walked a very long and awkward road before. I put all the stuff we did not need away. Just took my scarf back with me to keep me warm in case it would get colder in the next few hours.
I was silently singing “Attack” while I was walking back to the venue. I felt the sun on my skin and realized I felt incredibly happy.
My friend texted me that people were starting to stand up so I should hurry up a bit. Which stressed me out so I ran back.

Well – she was (obviously) right and a few minutes later, everyone was standing. Three hours to go. But I was feeling fine and now everyone was standing so close to each other, it was actually nice and warm – which was a good thing since I did not have a coat on anymore!
By that time there were between 300 or 400 people in front of me, though. A lot of people do not want to play it fair. But well. That’s how things go.

It started getting dark. Was still feeling okay. At about 5:10PM, suddenly the first few doors already opened! Which means we could walk like 10 meters, till the next ‘doors’. We were standing between barriers now – all pushed up against each other! But people were being quite nice and made sure no one got hurt. I have quite a lot of bad experiences with people pushing others against barriers or walls and I have to say I am impressed by how the Echelon take care of each other, even though they never even said a word to the people around them.
Someone in front of the doors starting to throw bracelets and triad stickers. I’m not exactly sure what it was but everyone was trying to catch something, which made the pushing worse. Two more hours till the official doors would open (at least that’s what I expected).

6:30PM – doors opened! I’m not quite sure what happened because everything goes so fast in this one minute. My bag was checked, then we ran to the actual venue doors, there were like 4 or 5 different lines where your ticket could be scanned… Then I was inside (I had lost my friend while running but we agreed that I would just try to get the best place possible) and had to find where I could get into the actual hall. Found it – just ran. Third row next to the “runway”. Which seemed to be fine. And I found out there was a wireless network in the hall. I was very happy about that because abroad, internet on my phone costs me a lot and not I could keep everyone on Tumblr updated, without having to worry about my money while uploading a picture!

My heart was beating really fast when I saw the Triad. It looked so powerful. The last time I saw it, it was covered in small pieces of leaves – the last time I saw it, people were breaking the triad down because the gig just got canceled. It was a completely different view, now.

Time was going by really fast. I was actually just on Tumblr all the time. It took me a while until I noticed Cassie was standing right next to me! I decided to say hi and like I expected, she did not know who I was. She asked me what my url was – and well; I do not actually like saying my url out loud hahaha. Good thing I have this letowhore wristband so I just showed her that. She said she thought I was younger, but she had mistaken me for someone else. Ah well – was really nice meeting her.

The support act, White Lies, started at 7:50PM, though the gig would start at 8 actually! Never happened to me before, that something started BEFORE the scheduled time!
The band was really, really good. First time that I enjoyed a support act so much. I was thinking about the fact this band will perform in my hometown sometime in the next months. Tickets €45. The tickets for Mars were just €30 – and now I got to see White Lies AND 30STM!
I realized I could not see much from where I was standing, though. And the pushing was really bad. I could hardly raise my hands above my head, I was just stuck.

Everything was still going so fast! I had not been bored for a single minute yet. Some people were rebuilding the stage, testing the instruments. People had started fainting already. Which was really scary to see. But it was extremely hot and I think a lot of people do not eat, drink and sleep enough at days like these. I felt so sorry for them. I saw four girls being taken out of the crowd by security before the show even started.

8:45PM. Nine Inch Nails – Closer starts playing and I’m going insane. Looking back at that, it was actually the perfect song to get the crowd ready for 90 minutes of a show that was similar to pure porn.
I started to get super excited. I felt my heart beating super fast. I started looking at all those things on stage and I FINALLY started realizing that the three guys I adored so much would be on stage in a few minutes. This stage in this hall. So close to me. Finally!

At 9PM the girls who had Golden Tickets with Stage View came on stage. The crowd started booing and both the girls and the crowd were showing middle fingers. Which was childish, in my opinion.
I should not have prejudices about this, but looking at those girls, it was pretty clear to me that a lot of them were the really… spoiled type of girls. Perfect dresses that probably cost a thousand dollars. Perfect hair, perfect everything. The kind of girls that just have to blink their eyes to get their daddy’s credit card. I decided not to be annoyed by them too much. That’s just what you get when you start selling $500 tickets – not just the true Echelon that would give anything for those Golden Tickets, but also a lot of spoiled brats that can easily afford it.

I exactly remember the moment the lights dimmed. I was analyzing the people in the front row. A lot of girls were half naked. Wearing lace bras that clearly showed above the shirts they were wearing. I wondered how many of them were expecting to get laid by Jared Leto, tonight.
That was the thought on my mind when the show started and my mind actually stopped working properly for 90 minutes!

90 Minutes. I keep repeating that. I was wondering about the clock that was on the right side of the stage. Counting down from the minute the show started. Starting at 90 minutes. I could not stop staring at it. It was distracting me. I was looking and thinking: this will be over in 40 minutes. This will be over in 12 minutes. I was wondering why the clock was there and I still do not know but I found it really annoying. The last thing you want to think about while you’re rocking out to your favorite band, is that this gig will end, too. That clock was not really helping. And it made clear how not spontaneous it actually was… They were actually done when the clock showed 0:00.

I just skipped the whole show by telling that – so let’s go back to the start of the show!
The first few minutes were just insane. Everyone (including me) was just jumping, screaming, pushing, I don’t know – everything what “going insane” looks like. Jared appeared and he looked so incredibly beautiful – and secretly I was so relieved because I was hoping he would not look too awkward (haha!). I loved his hair. I loved his white face paint (!!!). The denim jacket, the black poncho… He was just beautiful.
I hate to admit I forgot to look at Tomo and Shannon. But honestly; I did not even get the chance to really look at Jared because my first priority was to stay alive right there! It all was kind of insane.
It was getting SO hot there. I was just jumping and screaming and I got out of breath so many times! Awkward feeling it was.

L490 was probably my favorite moment of the show. Everyone was so silent, no one was pushing. The people around me were just listening – some were filming but not with their hands up in the air. It was just this moment of rest, really beautiful. I saw how Shannon’s sweat was literally dripping off the guitar. I wondered if the guitar would not get damaged if that happened too often.
There was one moment when Jared was not singing and he walked to Shannon and started just looking through this kind of… transparent wall (??) that was next to the drums, to look Shannon in the eye. They were just staring at each other for a few seconds, not talking or anything. It was really cute.

Then Jared took this guy on stage and asked him to say some things in French. But the guy did not speak English or did just not understand what Jared was saying to him. It made me feel so uncomfortable watching it. Jared starting to talk to the guy in his ear – it looked like he was whispering in his ear. While he was doing that, his eyes found mine for half a second. He probably did not see me but damn – those eyes. You think they are piercing on pictures. Wait till you look into them in real life. My heart skipped a beat.

I am going to be completely honest now, which will probably make me sound like a brat. But I am someone who kind of lives to get attention. I always try to end up in the front row at any gig I attend and somehow, I almost got used to strange things happening to me. Artists mentioning me. Or taking me on stage. The best gigs are the ones when I get the artist’s attention.
I did not expect to get any attention from Mars, but deep inside I am always wishing for miracles to happen, obviously. And no miracles happened. Was I disappointed? Not really, actually. Was in too much of an ecstasy!

It was really strange seeing Jared on stage right in front of me. Especially when he was speaking. All those facial expressions I have seen on thousands of pictures before… The strange faces he can make. The tongue out of his mouth. He did that all and it looked all so familiar to me. Somehow I could not get my mind around the fact that this guy here in front of me, was the man we are always drooling about. Not because he was different or anything, but just because it was so incredibly surreal!

The contact between Jared and the crowd… Well, what am I going to say about that. I do not like the way he interacts. I have mentioned that before last week and got into this huge discussion with a lot of people about it. He’s got an attitude that almost makes him look ugly. I feel like I have seen so many sides of Jared already. And I am very glad I know the more quiet side of him. The interested (and interesting!) side. I think that if I would not know anything more about this man I would most definitely HATE him if I saw him performing.
When I see pictures of him running around like a whore, I’ve always been laughing about it. But somehow I did not enjoy it too much. He did act like he was a 12 year old half of the time. He did act like he was a 39 year old that was on a higher level than the crowd beneath him the other half. I have never felt as young as I did at this gig.

People (well – especially Sonja) have mentioned that Jared is a very dominant person, before. Something which is great to have fantasies about. But seeing it in real life was such a different thing to me. It was not something I actually enjoyed.
I do not love Jared any less for the way he acts on stage. But the first thing that crossed my mind after he went off was: “he is such a dick”. Just a first thought. A thought about the man I just saw on stage.
I can not tell if he is acting, on stage. I don’t think he could even tell that for himself. Somehow it just does not fit into my mind that this arrogant whore and this genius man are the same person. Something inside of me wants to pick one side of him and make that “the real Jared”. Maybe both of these ‘people’ are “the real Jared”. It confuses me a lot. I can not identify this man.
But well. We all know he’s (been?) having a hard time finding his own identity. That explains a lot, I think.

This won’t be new to anyone but it just has to be said once again: Jared is so incredibly beautiful.

My favorite thing about this show, was when he was playing The Kill right in front of me and he was so close… I could see all those little zits on his back. It looked so awkward. This perfect chest. The ribs, the muscles you could see beneath his skin – this perfect skin that looked so soft an warm. And then this back that did not look as perfect as the rest of his (visible!) body. I loved that. I absolutely loved that. It made him look so real.
I never ever felt this desire to touch someone the way I felt it at that moment.

I could just feel how everyone around me wanted to have sex with him and it was so clear that Jared knew that, too. And he obviously loved playing around with that.

When the gig was over I just felt numb. I did not know what to think or say or do. I realized I did not feel any emotion in the past 1,5 hour. I expected to be really emotional. But I had felt energetic. Sometimes random thoughts had crossed my mind – when I was staring at Jared and tried to imagine ‘he is this man that I in this movie. He has dated this and this woman.’ (Why was I even trying to think about that?) But my mind felt so disconnected.

I found my friend back. She is not an Echelon and she told me she absolutely HATED Jared at this very moment. I told her I could imagine. And that I would probably do, too, if I did not know better.
She also said that Jared “just looked like sex.” Have to agree on that one.

The rest of the story is not very interesting – we went home immediately and almost died like ten times because I was out of mind and it was so foggy that I could not see a thing anyway. After one hour I just stopped somewhere because I needed to get out of the car and just jump around for five minutes – too much energy that needed to get out. Felt completely insane but happy. Alive. I felt alive.

I’ve had very mixed feelings in the first twelve hours, but it’s been over 24 hours since the gig ended right now and I am just happy when I am looking back. It was such an amazing experience. And it was so special to share it with all of you. So many people have wished me a lot of fun. So many comments and messages…
I think some of the best moments in your life are just a little better when you can share them with someone. I did not have any Echelon friends with me, so I am so glad I could at least share my joy (and confusion, though) with you.

The last thing I have to say, is that I am so happy that I have two more gigs left. I don’t know how I would have dealt with it if I knew this gig would have been my last one. I think things would have been so different. Now I am so glad that I will at least have one minute with these guys ‘together’. A chance to look them in the eye. To say something if I have to. It’s a really comforting thought right now. The idea that I will get to see the other side, too, even if it’s just for a minute.

This story has become way too long and I’ve felt like I still have not even said half of the things I wanted to say about this gig but I’ve got the worst headache right now so I don’t really feel like adding the things that have been on my mind last night and today. So well. This was my story.
Next gig in 9 days…