Text Post Sun, Dec. 04, 2011 20 notes

Antwerp, November 30th [Golden Ticket/recap]

Well - it’s 3:27AM right now. If anyone feels like reading a 6.000 word recap of the gig and Meet&Greet in Antwerp - HERE YOU GO.

Waking up just a few hours after I finally fell asleep. Thinking: “I will meet 30 Seconds to Mars tonight.” But also thinking: “Last night was so damn amazing…” I did not actually feel like going to Antwerp at all. I was so happy and I did not want it to be ruined in any way, I wanted to keep living in that memory for a while.

I was super nervous and stressed out again. I brought my friend to the train station at 12:30PM because she had to go home again and then I finally could take a shower and do my hair and make up. I never felt the pressure to look perfect this much before. I had been living up to this for months. And it was just… all now or never.

 

Luckily, I ended up looking quite cool – which was great because it happens to me way too often that I look like a fuckup when I try too hard.

My mum and I left the house at 2PM. The car was still full of so much stuff we took with us to Cologne, but we did not feel like cleaning out the car at night, and right now, I did not want to arrive in Antwerp any minute later.

 

Well, Antwerp is very close to where I live so we arrived there 50 minutes later. We did not even have time to listen the whole This is War album! (Maybe we would have had, if I did not want to hear The Kill twice before we put that album on, actually.)


We parked the car next to the venue and I went to check out the people that were sitting in front of the hall. There were not actually that many people, even though it was 3PM already. I saw a Belgian girl I had met in Cologne the day before. She told me later that she drove from Cologne to Antwerp and just slept here in front of the venue… I felt so sorry for her, actually. It was so damn cold.

 

The Golden Ticket line was next to the venue. Most people there were older than I was, in their late twenties or thirthies. They looked very threatening at me. I realized these might be the not-so-nice fans you have in every fandom. The ones that would literally die to get closer to the band. I just walked by to check if there was anyone I knew and a girl who was clearly not from Belgium started yelling at me: “Do you have a Golden Ticket? Well, please play it fair and line up behind the last one in this line.” I was like; what the fuck, I am just looking. I was quite annoyed and walked away. I was hungry (but also feeling quite sick because I was so nervous) so mum and I sat down at this small cafe in front of the venue. When we walked in, I realized they were showing a World Stage concert of 30STM. It made me feel even more sick! I was so nervous already and I could just not look at (or hear!) a Mars gig right now!

 

I noticed Cassie was sitting at a table in the cafe so we said “hi” and we talked for a moment. I asked her if it was true that you are just allowed to stand on Tomo’s side when you have a GT. Not that I cared about that because I love Tomo a lot, but I just wanted to know if you could choose for yourself. She explained that there was just limited space available for people with Golden Tickets, so you might even end up in the second row, just because you are not allowed to stand past a certain line at the barrier. Well – that made me feel nervous!

 

I just HAD to eat something because I was afraid I would faint. But there was not much without meat, so I just ordered olives. I ate a few but I felt sick and I wanted to get back in line because Cassie made me kind of nervous with the second row-thing. (Some of you might know how much of a frontrow junkie I am – lol.)

When I got back, I met Lisa and Tara! I kind of knew Lisa from Twitter, and I followed both of the girls on Tumblr, so, well, I kind of knew them, but not really. But it was so much fun meeting them, they were so sweet and they were so excited! We just talked for a bit – we were allowed to enter the venue at 5PM. My mum came by to say hi at about
4:30 and right at that moment a Russian journalist came talking to us. She told us she wrote for a magazine and she’s writing an article about Golden Tickets – which I thought was very strange, though. She was very beautiful… Red hair, tall, skinny, cat-eye make up… I don’t know, a typical Russian kind of girl. I was kind of jealous of her looks.
Anyway, she started asking us some things about the Echelon, about how we felt about spending so much money on meeting a band… I just told her some bla-bla, I don’t even know, but I was happy that I could speak English to her because I was nervous about speaking English to Mars, later. I do never actually talk out loud in English, but it went really well and I did not even have to think about it.
Then she asked us “what’s the difference between an Echelon and a fangirl?” I just looked away like – okay, I am not going to answer this. I’m glad
Tara started talking. “Fangirls don’t care about the music, they just want to have sex with Jared.”
And then the damn journalist asked us: “But don’t you? If you got the chance to have sex with him?”
I tried not to burst into laughter – the other girls just said “no!” (but they are both underage anyway, so I guess it’s not even legal to say yes, haha) and I did not answer at all. I was thinking; I OBVIOUSLY want to have sex with Jared, hello-oh, who does not?! But well. That would have made me look like a fangirl and she did not need to know about that, haha.


(No, honestly, I’m always kind of making fun of the Echelon/fangirl thing. I don’t even know what I am. So I am not the right person to interview when it comes to that.)


My mum asked the girl if she had a business card and started a conversation with her. While they were talking I was freaking out way too much about the fact we could hear Mars soundchecking. We heard Jared singing This is War. It was a really cool thing and we were freaking out a bit. I was wondering what my mum was talking about to the journalist, though. I heard her mentioning that I did hardly eat a thing for a month to afford the ticket and I felt so ashamed.
Later my mum told me that she had a funny story about
Shannon’s sunglasses; apparently Mars played in Kiev a while ago, and I don’t know the exact story, but some girl stole Shannon’s sunglasses. Just because she wanted to have something that did belong to Shannon Leto. Well - obviously other fans did not accept it and the journalist girl managed to take the sunglasses. She also had a GT for the Antwerp gig - and she took Shan’s sunglasses with her!

That’s like one of the coolest presents you can give a band member - his own stolen sunglasses!

(Sadly, I did not see her giving it to him. I wonder if she was even still there during the m&g.)

 

Then Sarah opened the door. I recognized her from Cologne, because she was desperately trying to keep me away from Tomo during K+Q.
We had to show our Paypal confirmation and ID card to her and we got a bracelet with our T-Shirt size on it – this was so they could quickly see which goodie bag you needed, later. We came into a quite small room. It was just a very plain room. White, there was some kind of weird kitchen in it and there were those black curtains standing there – you could move them anywhere you wanted. We wondered if those were the curtains in front of which all the M&G pictures are taken.


 

When we were inside, we lined up “against” the walls and when everyone was in, there was hardly any space in the room left. We were told we could leave our stuff in that room because we would come back there, later. I took my coat off and decided to take my bag with me, because I needed my camera and my phone and I did not have pockets.

 

A lot of people had signed stuff, already. It was obvious that a lot of them had met Mars before. I really disliked the atmosphere with those people.
Sarah started explaining some things because there were fans with different Golden Ticket packages in there. She told people with package 2, 3 and 4 where to meet her before the show, so they could get on stage or next to the sound board in the back of the hall.

She also told us not to run when entering the hall. She said she would tackle anyone who was running – and I’m pretty sure she was being serious. Though I could hear she had told this whole story a LOT of times before. The same jokes I heard other people with GT’s talking about. She also told about the limited space in the front row.

 

We had to wait a while untill we were allowed in the actuall hall. I was leaning against the curtain – there was something behind it. I randomly mentioned to Tara and Lisa: “There’s something hard behind this… I hope it is Jared.” It sounded more perverted than I meant to.
The funny thing was, later that night, after the meet & greet, the guys did actually disappear behind that curtain. Which made things a bit more awkward and we all screamed “Maybe it was Jared, indeed!”

 

Like I said; there was a lot of people in that room. About 200, I guess. And at other shows, they did the package 2 and 3 meetings before the gig, the package 1 meetings afterwards. They did not this time. And I felt really uncomfortable with that, because I knew I would be meeting Mars in a room with a LOT of people later. Which meant; less time, less attention, more people listening to whatever you have to say to them.
I actually wanted to mention something about Pukkelpop – how grateful I was that Jared kept us updated about what was going on after the festival got destroyed. The organisation did not tell us anything. Jared was the one who seemed to really care.

Well, then we were allowed to WALK into the hall. That was awkward – usually I’m running my ass off and now we just had to walk slowly. We ended up in front of Tomo, though we were quite far to the left and in front of the speakers, which sucked. Luckily, somehow, we had moved more to the right before the show had started.
Just 15 minutes later the General Access people came RUNNING in! It was so funny to see! People kind of bumped into us – they were friends of Tara and Lisa! It was so cute because they were SO excited that they had made it into the second row. I felt quite sorry because I arrived late in the afternoon and they had been waiting in the cold all day – and I was standing in front of them. But well.
One of the girls was Yara and after a minute she looked at me and screamed “YOU ARE LETOWHORE!” She kind of started fangirling over me and I was laughing my ass off. She was the cutest thing ever.
Then there was Anieck, who was extremely cute, too, and she randomly gave me one of her heart shaped rainbow bracelets. I was so damn happy because I had been wanting to have one for so long!
And Linda, was also a Dutchie, though I had never met her before – but she was really nice!

One of them (I really can not remember who) started telling me that the night before there were 69 people on my blog while I was blogging from Cologne. That was awesome to hear – I obviously missed that because I was not checking my own blog out, just posting some pictures and text posts. It was also funny that they assumed me Tumblr famous and we all started taking pictures with each other.
We were standing really comfortably actually, so much space, no one was pushing. Perfect.

 

At 7:15PM the Vermont Joy Parade started playing again. I had warned the other girls about them already. I found it quite funny.
I noticed people making noises from the right side of the hall and I already thought; Jared is probably standing there right now. It annoyed me quite a bit because I really wanted to stand there at that moment.

And yes – a minute later Jared walked on stage and started talking about some random things I can not even remember and did a little dance. I was not actually impressed, I don’t know why. Maybe it was just “I’ve seen you doing this before” – it did not feel that special to me anymore. The girls around me were freaking out, though. I just made sure I had a pic to post to Tumblr.

 

At 8:00 we got to see Our Mountain (again). It was cool to be standing right in front of Abbey Lee, actually. But what really sucked, was that the music was VERY loud. It literally hurt our ears and I saw everyone around me putting their fingers in their ears. Not because the music was bad but just because it was TOO loud.
It’s 4 days after the gig right now, and I STILL have a continuous beep in my left ear. That’s how loud it was – it might have damaged my ears.

 

After that they started to show the Mars videos, like they did in Cologne. We were all just singing along to them. A perfect way to spend your time while waiting, really.
That’s also something I love about 30 Seconds to Mars – things go really fast, they start at the scheduled time, they keep us entertained while waiting for them. I really, really appreciate that and I’ve never seen any other band doing that before.

 

 The band started on time, I think, but I don’t know since I put my bag on the ground in front of me, with my phone in it.

 

I just heard the first few seconds of NiN – Closer and I said to Lisa “This is the last song, they will start after this!” and then the lights and the music went off..! I was like; no, you just killed my favourite song! (Yes, I did honestly think that at that very moment.)

The setlist of Antwerp:

1. Escape

2. A beautiful Lie

3. This is War

4. Search and Destroy

5.Vox Populi

6. Night of the Hunter

7. L490 

8. Modern Myth

9.Alibi

10.The Kill

11.Closer to the edge

12.From yesterday

13.Was it a dream (!!!)

14. Battle of One (!!!) 

15. Kings + Queens 

 

There was a few very special moments in this show. I can’t remember anything of the first songs they played, but then there was the acoustic set. Jared was on the other side of the hall again, so I could not see him, but he started talking about Pukkelpop. He told about the victims, the disaster it turned out to be. And then he dedicated Modern Myth to the people who died that day. Acoustic, obviously.

I suddenly realized pretty much everyone around me still had their Pukkelpop wristbands on. And literally EVERYONE around me was crying. So many tears. So much love. The girls around me just started closing each other in their arms and it was a very beautiful and sad moment.
And a lot of people were holding up lights. The venue looked like heaven – dark and full of bright stars. It was so, so pretty.

Since my mum was sitting on the balcony pretty much next to where I was standing, I was trying to hide my face behind my arm. I did not want her to see I was crying like a fucking baby.

Later I found out she had just been filming Jared all the time. Ah well.


 

We did not expect Jared to also play Alibi! Even more Echelon-tears.

Since it was the anniversary of Hurricane, some people expected (or at least hoped for) the band to play it live tonight.

But they did not play it at all – they did not even show the video! Huge mindfuck!

 

Then there was this point Jared noticed someone he called a hippie on the balcony (he was really far away from Jared!) and he started shouting at him because he was sitting down. It was a kind of funny game, the man did stand up for a second and when Jared stopped talking to him he sat down, but Jared immediately turned back to him and said something like: “oh NO, the hippie sat down again, he did not understand it!”

At the end of the show he mentioned this man again. That he had been standing there the whole show now, and that that was great.

 

He also pointed at all the banners people had made and mentioned them one by one. He kept saying “thank you” a hundred times. And he was pointing at and mentioning random people in the crowd, especially on the balconies. He just wanted to show that he noticed them all. I think he was really trying to capture the moment in his mind.

 
Still can not get over what Jared was wearing.

What I did not really like, that he started yelling at people and asking “if they were at the wrong show.” Someone’s grandmum, and I don’t remember who else. I thought that was pretty harsh. The kind of attitude I hated so much in Lille.
But he was really something between the way he was in
Lille and Cologne; not as sweet as in Cologne, but also not the arrogant prick he was in France.

 

After playing The Kill Jared tried to make his way back through the crowd, again. I could not see it, but my mum later told me that she saw him there and everyone tried to touch him. It looked really dangerous and my mum said “I was thinking: JARED, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” She was really afraid something would happen to him, haha. I told her Jared likes to risk his life at concerts.

When he came back on stage he was completely out of breath. You could just hear him gasping.

It was so damn sexy.

 

Then Jared played Was it a Dream, which was so awesome to hear live. And then: BATTLE OF ONE! I think they haven’t played it live in a million years. We went completely insane – though it’s a very hard song to jump/rock out/dance to! At the end of the song, Jared mentioned “I forgot how to play my own damn song…” It made me laugh, though I had not noticed it.

 

They started picking people for K+Q then, and I knew I did not have a chance since I had a GT. Steve did not even look at the people in front of Tomo.

That’s something I really disliked about having a Golden Ticket; Jared does not pay a lot of attention to Tomo’s side because he probably knows all those people have GT’s. Tomo was being awesome all the time, though, making a LOT of contact to us, and I really enjoyed it! But Jared actually just came to our side once or twice. (He actually looked right at me during Closer to the Edge – the moment he sang “Time to go down in flames.” Which was a line which already DID touch me so much. Damn.)

 

Steve walked by one time to put the people that were waiting to get on stage in a proper line and I just SAW that he noticed my tattoo, again! He stopped right in front of me, I saw him staring at it, looking at me, looking back at my arm. As if he was doubting. But then he turned around, haha. Too bad. But I did not really mind.

At the end Jared thanked the crew and the support acts. All the band members of those acts came on stage. Jared started to tell the story about the Vermont Joy Parade and I was laughing because I had told my friends about it before. The band did not mention Jared “finding” them in Berlin, this time

Then he started telling that he met “one of the band members” of Our Mountain in Paris. And he just kept saying “that member” or something – he never said “he” or “she”. I am quite sure that he was talking about Abbey Lee, actually. I mean; Paris. There’s a huge chance she was at the Fashion Week. I don’t know – I like her but I have no clue where she’s been in the past years. But I thought it was quite obvious that he was talking about her and it was weird that he refused to say “she”. (Or “he”, in case he was talking about one of the men.) I wish I would have recorded it.

When the gig was over, suddenly all people with GT’s had disappeared. And we really had no clue where to go. We stayed there with the other Dutchies for a while but then we decided we really had to leave before we weren’t allowed inside the m&g room anymore!
We followed some other people that had GT-wristbands but they were going the wrong way – suddenly we remembered which side we had came from. A man checked our wristbands since a lot of other people were trying to get into that room.
Sarah was sitting on the ground behind the door, we had to show the wristband again and she handed the goodie bag. I did not even look at it because I knew what was in it, anyway…

 

There were drinks and some food in the room now, crisps, peanuts, grapes, I don’t know. We just wanted to drink something but it was not very clear where to get it from. We just grabbed a bottle and 3 plastic cups and shared that one bottle of water. Which was enough, actually.


Right before meeting Mars. (Eszti, Lisa, Tara)

We sat down on the ground and fixed ourselves up a bit.
I realized I was not nervous at all. But I was not excited, either. Feeling kind of numb. I hate that feeling.

 

I saw a girl I had met at Pukkelpop. She did not remember me, which was okay since she was crying and freaking out back then, it’s quite obvious that a LOT was going on back then and she did not remember who I was. She did also have a GT for Lille and she told me she really regret buying one for Antwerp. It was just really not worth it, she told me. Things were going so quick and there were just too many people. She actually wanted to go home at that very moment, but well, she had paid so much for it…

That made me even less excited.

 

Another thing I was kind of worried about, was that I really did not know what to say to the band, anymore. Pukkelpop had been the only thing I thought of to mention – but Jared had spoken about it during the show, EVERYONE there had been at Pukkelpop, and I did not feel like being that one girl bringing it up. Which did mean that I had to think up something new, now… But my mind was blank.

 

Sarah walked to the middle of the room and told us we would enter the room next to it. We had to stand against the wall, and when there was not space left against the wall, the people that were ‘left’ had to make a square in the middle. I did not quite understand it, but it didn’t really matter.

She also told us we were not allowed to hug or kiss the band members. “If you really need a hug, just ask me and I will give you one. Do NOT even try to ask the guys.” Yeah. Whatever. We also were allowed to get ONE thing signed, Sarah would check for that. And we were not allowed to bring cameras or phones into that room – if you wanted to have your phone signed, you had to tell her before entering the room.

 

So, we entered the room and the three of us ended up in the corner. Which was a pretty good spot though, because we could see everything from there. We sat down on the ground and waited for a while. The people in the middle square were told to turn around, facing us. After about 15 minutes Sarah came back and told everyone to stand up. Suddenly Shannon came in! People started screaming a bit. Then Tomo – he made this really funny noise. Shannon immediately ran pretty much towards us, he started signing the stuff of a girl that was 2 people beside Lisa, I guess. Jared entered the room, but we were actually looking at Shannon since he was about to sign our stuff already.

 

Lisa and Tara actually did have things to say, Tara asked him to write down “my hero” on a piece of paper and Lisa told him that it was her first Mars show. Shannon really liked that. Then he came to me and said “hello”, I guess. He looked at me like; what are you going to say? I was not nervous at all, actually, and I just said: “Yeah, sorry, I am very boring and I don’t have anything to say or give to you.” He was really cute and said “Aww, it does not matter, thanks for coming to our show!” HE WAS SO CUTE. I just wanted to take him home. I can not get over it – he was so pretty and he was not even that small. He did not seem to be smaller than I was, but apparently he is. He is such a cutie. I wish we were allowed to hug him! I told him the show was great and he moved to the next girl.

 

When thinking about it; I have no clue what kind of girl was standing next to me. Really did not pay attention to it.

 

I realized I did not look Shannon in the eye, or well, I probably did but I was not really aware of it. I had to make sure I was aware of the moment I looked at Jared.

 

Then there was Tomo. He was so tall and beautiful. He had such a pale skin, I loved that. And he had such a funny voice, I don’t know. I really don’t know what I said to him, the exact same thing as I said to Shan, I guess. Lisa and Tara also told him the same things – I think Lisa actually mentioned it was her first gig when Tomo was signing my ticket. He high-fived her and did the same to Tara. So, well, I was the only one who did not get a high-five. :(

 

I also forgot to look him in the eye. Damn – I only had one chance left.

 

Jared was on my left side and I noticed that he really took the time for the girls he was talking to. But I also thought; damn, I will be the first one of us three to say something to him. I still had not made up my mind.

He looked so damn tiny. So skinny and… little, I don’t know. His hands were tiny and his legs were tiny and his face was tiny.

 

So, there he was – standing in front of me. And he was actually taller than I was, but he really looked like a little kid with stubbles. Because most of the hairs in his beard are grey, it was like it was glitter. He honestly looked like he sparkled.

He signed my ticket before looking at me and all I managed to mumble was “you’re beautiful…” (or maybe “you’re so beautiful”. Or “you are beautiful.” I can not even remember.) For the first time I felt really, really nervous. I am not a shy kind of person, but I just did not even manage to speak out loud.

He looked up to me. Very slowly – that’s how I remind it at least. He really took the time to look me in the eye and said “thank you”. That soft voice of his. Speaking very calmly.

I honestly wonder if it happened that way or that my mind just fucked up the memory of it.

 

Tara was giggling, I don’t know why, and Jared turned to her, spread his eyed wide open and said: “Why are you giggling?” I was so damn jealous because… I don’t know, he kind of eyefucked her! I had failed my damn mission! I tried to eyefuck him really hard but, well. I messed up. Or he was just not impressed.

 

He went on and I kept staring at him. He had a really awkward chin, I never noticed that. But his face was so perfectly shaped. Perfect bone structure.

 

I was really analizing him right there – I was watching the way he reacted to people. And I noticed he spread his eyes wide open quite often. He uses his eyes a lot – but not in a natural way. More in an I-know-I-have-beautiful-eyes-and-I-know-I-can-influence-people-with-them-way. He was just playing (or being) “the beautiful man” right there. I don’t know – it’s not really a bad thing… but it was kind of interesting to see.

 

When he had moved on a bit, Tara and I were staring at him, looked at each other at the same moment and both said: “he is so beautiful!” at the same time. It was really funny. And a good thing we said it in Dutch because he probably heard it.

 

I remember that Lisa started talking to me and I just interrupted her, saying: “Sorry, Jared Leto is standing in front of me, let me please enjoy this moment and please try to do the same.” Haha, that was fucking rude, especially because I was not actually enjoying it at all, but I just wanted to remember the moment. I just wanted to take my chance to look at him now he was here. I knew I might never see him again, so I needed to capture all those seconds in my mind.

 

Sarah kept running around taking all the presents from the guys. They got a LOT of presents. That’s the reason I did not give them anything – I’m pretty sure that if they kept everything, they would end up having two trucks just with presents from fans.

I remember how Sarah was trying to take stuff from Jared while he was talking to a fan, and he did not even look at Sarah. But he was holding a bag in his hand and the other stuff with his fingers, which meant he could not actually open his hand to give Sarah the bag without dropping everything on the ground. It was so funny how he did not respond to her at all.

He had really tiny hands.

 

Then we had to take the pictures – they were standing next to the door, you could stand inbetween the guys, the pictures were made, and you had to leave the room. So obviously, a lot of people tried to get into the back of the line so they could stay longer. But Sarah got really mad and started chasing those people.

 

I saw the guys making all the faces I’ve seen on so many m&g pictures before and it was so funny to see.

 

It went EXTREMELY fast. You literally had TWO seconds. Move there, click, next. You did not even have the time to pose properly. And Jared wanted to make things go faster, he was making gestures with his hands like “move on!”. Tomo and Shannon were being sweeties, though. I think Jared just wanted to leave.

 

While I was waiting I kept saying to myself: remember what Jared smells like.

 

Then it was my turn, I gave my ticket to Sarah (did not want to hold it in my hands for the picture) and I looked at Jared. I REALLY wanted him to smile on my picure. Even if I had wanted to ASK him for that, there was no time for that. So I smiled at him very widely before I stood down next to him. I was very conscious of the way I had my arm around Jared. I don’t know if his hand even touched me – neither do I know what Shannon did. Really curious about the picture.

Anyway – instead of posing, I tried to smell Jared. And he smelled like NOTHING. “Water and fresh air.” It was exactly that. Not even like sweat or anything – I wondered if he had taken a quick shower. He was wearing the same clothes as he was on stage, though. Which was super akward since he had been wearing long sleeves all the time! It was really cold in the hall but I can not imagine it was the same way on stage, with all those spotlights on them.

 

So, well, I fucked up my picture and then I had to leave. I was very conscious of the last moment I saw Jared. I walked out of the room, looked over my shoulder to take one last look at him. He was just busy taking pictures with the last few fans.

 

We stayed in the other room for a while, just talking. I did not feel a thing. And  I don’t think we were going “ohmygod-crazy”, but I can’t properly remember. I know that the first thing I did, was taking my phone to go on Tumblr, though. Ah well.

Coats back on – it was
12:30AM then. We were told to leave as soon as possible. Before we left, Shannon came running by and disappeared behind the black curtain I had been leaning to before the show. Last thing I saw of Mars. Ever?

 

I went outside, we took one last picture together and then we all went home. I met up with my mum, who had been staying in another cafe for the last hours. I had to drive home since my mum does not have her license. But before we left I just sat down in the car and answered a lot of Tumblr messages for about 30 minutes.
I was in the WORST mood ever.
I was bitching at my mum and I could not help it.
I felt like crying but I did not want to.

 

I almost crashed the car, again. And I felt like saying: “I would not even care if I died right now”, but I knew my mum would get REALLY mad if I said something like that.

 

The next few days were this huge mix-up of feelings, again. When writing this, I actually think: damn, what an amazing night. But I know it did not feel that way at the moment itself. I do not even know what my true feelings about it are.

 

But I am so glad I got that one chance to look Jared in the eye. Even though I did not say a thing to him – or he to me. Obviously I secretly hoped he would like me in SOME way, that he just would have… mentioned something about my appearance. Is that arrogant? I don’t know. I was disappointed back then. But now I am just very grateful.

 

And that’s where the Mars-story ends for me, I guess…

I had some amazing nights. Confusing nights, too. I’ve never ever felt so confused.


I met amazing people. I’ve screamed my lungs out – jumped and touched the sky. I had the time of my life in the past two weeks…

And all I can say is: thank you. Thank you Mars. Thank you to the amazing Echelon who went there with me, both in real life and online. I love you so much.

 





COMMENTS
  1. sissimars reblogged this from letowhore
  2. gangxbang said: I can relate so much to your confusion and numbness. And also studying Jared every second that you have him in front of you, but in that moment not feeling excited. I think we might have similar issues that produce that kind of behavior. lol
  3. iwalkonguns said: Okay i was like “I’m going to sleep, i’ll refresh the page and than go to sleep.” But yeah. I HAVE TO READ THIS BEFORE.
  4. letowhore posted this

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