Photograph my mind (18+)
When he randomly sat down at the same table, facing me, I was not quite sure if he was being very bold or that he just meant to be nice. Fact was: I was pretty freaked out by the guy with the huge glasses and the trucker moustache. “I’m Terry”, he said, before I could make up my mind about his behaviour. I had considered asking someone for help because the first thing that crossed my mind was “he looks like some kind of paedophile.” I did not feel very safe. But I shook his hand and told him my name.
I wasn’t sure what to say. I felt uncomfortable looking him in the eye, but he just took his coat off as if we had known each other forever and like there was nothing strange about this situation. He ordered a cup of tea and smiled at me. I just shut my mouth and focussed on stirring my drink as if it was the most important thing in the world at that moment.
I decided it would be rude to ignore him completely. I closed the fashion magazine I was reading and shove it to the other side of the table. “Well”, I said. The man called Terry thanked the waitress when she served his tea. “Are you from here?” he asked me. I nodded. “Born and raised in the city.” I loved New York. I was pretty sure he could tell I was a typical city girl.
He started telling me about his youth, about NYC, about Hollywood. His voice was actually quite pleasant to listen to. The more he told me, the more comfortable I felt sitting at the small table at the New York diner with him. There was a lot of things we found to have in common – places we went to, people we knew. In the end, I even found myself laughing hysterically at his stories. Somehow he managed to steal my heart in just 15 minutes. I quite liked this guy.
Terry ordered another cup of tea and asked me if I’d like to have another drink, too. I also asked for green tea. An awkward silence for a second. He took the magazine I was reading before and flipped through the pages. He smiled in a weird, very contented way. “I shot those.” He turned the magazine around so I could see it. “Those pictures?” I asked him. I frowned. Somehow I could not just take this man telling me he took the pictures in the prominent fashion magazine for granted. But he nodded and placed his index finger right above the name that was printed at the bottom of the page. “Terry Richardson”, I read out loud. A shock went through my body. I had heard about him. Stories I could definitely not mention to him. Suddenly my first impression of him completely made sense.
I glanced at him for a second. I was pretty sure he noticed the look on my face but he did not ask a thing.
Strangely enough, instead of feeling any fear, I noticed some kind of excitement running through my veins. “Nice pictures”, I said. I actually did not know a thing about fashion photography, but since his shots were printed in one of the world’s most influential magazines, I assumed they were pretty good. He smiled and I guessed that was his “thank you”.
He stood up and started putting his coat back on. I observed him - noticed he was very tall. There was something about him that really attracted me. He was not actually good-looking, he told me he was 46 years old – but he had made me feel very comfortable in every single way. “I hope you didn’t mind me sitting down with you, here!” he kind of apologized. I realized that if he’d said that before, I probably would have asked him to leave. I was glad he did not.
He did not even seem to hesitate when he hugged me before he left. Just when I thought he’d walk away he seemed to realize something. “Could I maybe have your number? I think you are quite interesting, I’d like to take some pictures of you. If you agree, of course.” I tried to hide my smile but didn’t quite succeed. “That would be awesome,” I said in disbelief. I scribbled down the numbers on a coaster. “There you go.” He winked at me when he left. In my opinion, winking was never acceptable. But somehow, at this moment, it seemed quite an appropriate thing to do.
He did call me. I spent a whole night at his studio, just because we were both some kind of night owls and enjoyed working at times when everyone else was asleep. Though I’d never had the intention to become a model, I felt very confident in front of his cameras. Shooting with Terry was fun – and that was probably the strength in the pictures he took. Things never looked forced in any way. It did not even feel like posing. Terry knew how to capture the moments. As if the pictures he took reflected more of a feeling than an actual image.
I noticed he had very pretty hands.
Terry was a sweetheart. I could not describe him in any other way. When I thought about the moment he sat down with me for the first time, I could just laugh. I had told him about my thoughts back then, about my trend to excuse and leave because he freaked me out. He smiled. I hoped I did not hurt him – the better I got to know this man, the more fragile he seemed to be in some way.
It was an evening in November, I just had dinner downtown and decided to check if Terry was home. He had showed me his New York apartment, just because I was interested in where he lived, before. I buried my face in my scarf – the wind was cold and hurt my skin. “Who’s there?” His low voice through the speaker at the door. I told him my name and asked Terry if it was okay if I came in. He stayed silent for a moment. I heard him say something – I could not understand what but I was pretty sure he wasn’t talking to me.
“Ehm – yes. There’s a friend over, though. Do you mind?”
I shrugged my shoulders but realized he couldn’t see me.
“No, that’s fine. If she’s okay with it.”
I just assumed it was a woman – I had never met any of Terry’s male friends.
My heels echoed on the steps when I went upstairs to the front door. He left it open for me and I did not feel very comfortable just walking in. I knocked pretty loud and wiped my feet. “Hello?”
Terry came into the hallway and kissed me on the cheek. “Hey, how are you?” I did not even get the time to answer his question. “We were just having dinner, did you eat something already?” I nodded.
I followed him to the living room. His guest – which happened to be a man – did not even look up to me. He was pricking his fork in a bowl of noodles with one hand, checking something on his phone with the other.
“This is Jared”, Terry said, and he took his seat again. The guy at the table smiled in quite a forced way, didn’t offer me his hand, so I just told him my name and sat down on one of the other chairs. Terry randomly chatted to me while I stared at Jared. He was still busy with his Blackberry, and he did not pay any attention to me. It hit me when I looked at him – he was this guy from 30 Seconds to Mars. I didn’t know a lot about the band, had seen a few videos but now I was thinking about it, their frontman was called Jared Leto, indeed.
“You’re Jared Leto, right?” It passed my lips before I could regret it. He looked up to me in a way which looked like some kind of “are you kidding me”.
“I am”, he said. His voice was very soft and low.
“Nice to meet you.” I wasn’t sure if I was actually that happy to have met him here. The situation was a bit awkward, at least. I didn’t quite know what to say: I did not know a thing about Jared Leto, he didn’t seem to be interested in me either and Terry was the only thing that connected us.
I was glad when he put his phone away. His eyes focussed on me – I felt very looked at. I gazed back at him for a second and noticed how incredibly bright his eyes were. I wasn’t sure if it was just that colour or the whole look that made me shiver. He was incredibly beautiful.
“So you’re a friend of Terry’s?” he asked me. His speaking voice was so delightful. I realized how I was listening to it without really hearing what he was actually saying.
“Oh, yes, I guess so…” I looked at Terry and he smiled at me. I asked Jared if he lived in New York and he told me that he didn’t really have a home. I looked at him confused.
“I’ve been touring with my band, 30 Seconds to Mars, for a very long time now… Any place in the world could be ‘home’ to me. But I do own a house in Hollywood.”
I wasn’t sure whether to find it sad or just very inspiring. He started telling me about his life on the road, about Europe, Asia, about that he had two days off and how much he loved New York City. I found myself hanging on his lips – every word he said sounded incredibly interesting. I was quite sure I had never fallen in love with someone’s voice, before. But I could listen to his for hours.
“You are very beautiful.” I had been studying his cheekbones, jawline, eyelashes, his beautiful skin for about 30 minutes now while I listened to his stories. There wasn’t one thing about him that was not pretty. His eyebrows were perfect, his brown hair. And the most remarkable thing was, that he didn’t seem to have done a thing to look this pretty. I could safely say I was stunned by his beauty. “Thank you. So are you.” His eyes were piercing me when he said that. I wasn’t sure about the feeling this man gave me but I had never felt it before. There was something very powerful about him – it almost felt supernatural. It had nothing to do with love: he was attractive but not my type of guy at all. I was just very amazed by his appearance.
“Do you mind me taking pictures?” Terry asked us. He had a small Lumix camera in his hand. I shook my head and looked at Jared. He seemed to be in doubt. “It’s okay as long as you won’t publish them.” I could imagine him being a bit careful with showing things out of his private life on the internet. “That’s fine,” Terry answered.
He just started clicking. It was annoying at first – I felt like I had to pose all the time. I did not get how Jared seemed to be completely comfortable with it – he was just slurping his noodles like he was before. Making some weird faces. I smiled. Not because I had to, but because the situation was quite funny. When I left my house earlier today, I did not expect to end up on a dining table with a superstar and a world famous fashion photographer, randomly taking pictures of everything that happened.
The funniest things was: that night, there was no alcohol involved at all. It got later, past midnight, we ended up on the couch talking about things I usually felt very uncomfortable about. And I was quite sure Terry and Jared were looking at each other in a way that indicated that they knew more than I did – a kind of communication I did not completely get. A second conversation that just existed of eye contact, and I was not part of it.
“Are you hungry?”
Jared’s voice sounded different. Higher.
I hesitated. He must have heard that I had dinner already and I was quite sure he was hinting to something completely else. But, since I was pretending to be innocent, I just answered “no.” Jared bent over to the table: there was a bowl of grapes. His fingers carefully picked one of the fruits off. “Sure?”
I did not really expect him to put a grape in my mouth and I was a bit confused when I felt his index finger touching my tongue. He was looking at me in some very dark way. My eyes found Terry’s for a second. He was still taking pictures. I wondered what this must look like.
“You like that?” Jared sounded a bit weird now – I wasn’t sure what happened but I could tell he was quite excited. He seemed to enjoy me gently touching his finger with my tongue and something about this made me really want this man – right now. And I knew he was aware of that.
“Get on your knees.”
I looked at him and realized he was not joking. I was actually surprised by the fact I did not hesitate. I was not the kind of person that randomly had sex with people – let alone in one room with a photographer. I bent over to Jared and softly breathed in his ear a few times before I actually kneeled down on the ground. I could see him smirk at Terry. For some reason I did not even want to think of how often this had probably happened before.
He was staring at me while I unzipped the jeans he was wearing. Two pairs of eyes staring at me. Four eyes and a camera. Something about this was extremely exciting.
Jared was wearing some really tight boxer shorts. Considering the state he was in I was quite sure his underwear did not feel very comfortable at this moment. I carefully let my fingers slide under the soft fabric. Fuck. I knew it would be extremely inappropriate to make any comments about his cock right now. But it just fit the whole picture of him – this man was actually perfect from head to toe.
My tongue carefully licked over the length of his dick.
“Oh, come on…” he moaned.
I smiled and took the whole thing in my mouth. Jared just spread his arms on the back of the couch and looked at me extremely satisfied while I sucked his cock. My eyes found his – there was a fire in those ice blue eyes that made me go wild right now. Jared pumped his hips up, pushing his cock in my throat. I gagged. “Can’t you take that?” he whispered. I felt his veins pulsing in my mouth. I didn’t answer and closed my lips tighter around him. He seemed to enjoy it.
His right hand lifted up his white shirt a bit. A really loud moan escaped my mouth – he had those perfect hipbones. A really small bellybutton and clearly swollen veins all visible beneath his glowing skin. I wrapped my hand around his hard dick, moving it, while trailing kisses up to his stomach. My tongue carefully licked his soft skin. He seemed to be really sensitive because his body made some uncontrolled movements. “Oh shit.” He closed his eyes and opened his mouth for a second. I could hear him breathing heavily.
Terry called my name. Terry. For a moment I had completely forgotten about him. My eyes looked into his camera. He clicked. Had I lost my mind?
Jared wrapped his hand around my throat; his thumb beneath my right ear, his middle finger beneath the other one. He lifted me up. It kind of hurt.
“You think you could take me?”
I felt his breath on my skin since he was holding my face extremely close to his. I nodded, or at least tried to, since he was holding on to my throat really tight. He let his other hand slip down my panties. Thank God I shaved. Without playing around first, he pushed his middle finger inside of me as deep as possible. A very pleasant shiver went through my body. As quickly as he went inside of me, he took his hand out of my pants again. I tried not to fall over when he finally let me go. He needed both hands to take my jeans off – but by the way he shove also shove down my underwear in one movement I could tell he’d done this a million times before. It did not bother me at all.
I took my shirt off and felt a little fragile for a second when I opened up my bra while staring right at Terry. He did not say a word and just smiled as if he wanted to say it was okay.
Jared pushed me down on the couch and I could not fight back: this man was really strong. “How bad do you want me?” I looked at his face. I didn’t even recognize the guy I met a few hours before. “Just fuck me” I moaned.
“You really think that tight pussy can take all of this?”
His own hand was suggestively stroking his cock. I nodded. “This might hurt a bit.”
My fingers tried to get grip of something when he pushed his dick inside of me. It was stinging and I clenched my jaws for a moment. Jared seem to enjoy seeing the pain on my face. “Do you like that?” He softly started moving in and out of me. I was gasping, staring at his perfect body, slowly realizing his dick was right inside of me. I wasn’t even sure if I could take this, but I demanded him to go deeper. I needed to really feel him. I wanted to fuck this man so badly that I just couldn’t feel him close enough.
His warm hands touched my boobs and squeezed them quite hard. Something about him was more masculine than anyone I ever had sex with before.
Jared wrapped his arm around me, lift me up. He was so strong. I enjoyed feeling the muscular arm around my back. But then he just threw me on the ground – it hurt. I looked up to Terry. Somehow I was hoping he had left the room. I would never forgive myself if those pictures ever popped up. And neither would Jared’s admirers, I guessed so. But he was still there. I couldn’t believe he was actually drinking tea while watching this scene happening right in front of him.
I bent over the table, it was quite clear that Jared wanted me to. He stroked my ass, then hit me. “Nice…” he whispered. Then I felt his cock right between my legs again – slowly shoving it inside of me. He started moving, faster this time. I could feel his fingernails pushing into the skin on my thighs and I enjoyed the slight pain shocks that went through my body. He also bent over me, I could feel his chest on my back. His skin was so incredibly hot. The fingers of his left hand gently touched my most sensitive spot. I moaned and closed my eyes. He started rubbing me, perfectly. I was trying really hard not to come. “Oh, fuck” I said softly. His cock inside of me gave me more pleasure than anything I had ever felt in my life. I could feel his heart beating.
“Do you like that? Do you enjoy feeling my dick deep inside your tight little cunt?”
A really high moan escaped my lips – this was all way too much and all I could do was try to not lose my mind, to enjoy every second and not get lost in ecstasy. His fingers were rubbing my clit really fast now, I knew I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I tried not to scream as the warm feeling exploded in my body. Jared pushed his dick even deeper inside of me for a few seconds, it was the most intense orgasm I ever felt in my life. My breath caught – somehow I just forgot how to breathe for a moment. “Woah…” I felt completely lost – his cock still buried inside of me.
I wish I could see his face when he started to move his hips faster, perfect movements inside of me. His fingers were holding on to my hips, really tight, I was pretty sure I’d have bruises tomorrow. “Shit”, he whispered again. I could hear him gasping. He moaned as he pushed his full length inside of me another few times. He seemed to stop breathing for a moment when I he let his seed flow deep inside of me. “Fuck.” His body was shocking, I somehow felt very vigorous. He slipped out of me and I looked at him. His body was covered with little pearls, his chest moving quickly up and down because he was trying to catch his breath. I felt his sperm dripping down my leg.
“How old are you, anyway?” It was the strangest first thing for him to ask and I wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to hear. I decided not to answer.
Terry threw a towel at me and Jared just grabbed his clothes, stood up and walked to the bathroom. I suddenly felt extremely… naked. Something inside of me wondered how I ended up naked on the floor of Terry’s apartment, fucking a (gorgeous) guy I didn’t even know while Terry’s taking pictures of us. A very uncomfortable feeling took over me. What the fuck did I just do.
I fixed myself up a bit and put my clothes back on again. I looked in the mirror. I actually still looked the same. I combed my hair with my fingers and turned around. Terry had left the room, I could hear him talking to Jared in the kitchen. Something about their conversation sounded so incredibly normal. As if nothing ever happened. As if something like this happened every time Jared was around.
“I have to leave” I said. Somehow I did not feel like staying in this house any longer. I had just crossed my own limits and even though it was the best feeling I ever had, something inside of me knew it wasn’t a very smart thing to do. If any of those pictures showed up on the internet, it could actually ruin the rest of my career. It could ruin my life because I knew there would be people that could make my life a hell. The sun was coming up already.
Jared smiled at me when I entered the kitchen to say goodbye. Terry kissed me on the cheek again. “Do not feel weird about this. I promise I won’t think of you any differently” he whispered in my ear. It gave me shivers. Jared just nodded.
“Bye” I said.
“Bye” he said.
Like nothing ever happened.
I left the kitchen alone - I couldn’t believe my eyes when I realized Terry had just left his camera on the table in the living room. I did not hesitate for a second when I quickly removed the memory card, put it in my pocket and sneaked out the door. Fuck you.
He called me. He obviously did. But I didn’t answer. As soon as I came home, I erased the photos from the card, put it in an envelope and addressed it to Terry Richardson. There was no way he was going to save those pictures to his computer – even if they weren’t published I didn’t feel quite comfortable ending up in some old guy’s personal porn collection.
But to be honest; I somehow did not have the heart to delete them all and let them just fall into oblivion. There was something about those pictures of me and this guy that intrigued me. His perfect body. His hands holding on to me. The look in his bright blue eyes. The hair on his body – somehow I could still feel every single detail on my fingertips.
And in the end, I was pretty okay with those photos ending up into my private collection. Because I loved looking at them. Even when I knew they were worth thousands of dollars. Even when I knew I did not have the right to own them. And even when I was positive that this Jared Leto would kill me if he would find out I would stare at his perfect naked body for every single night that followed.
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